Your Boundaries - Fences or Walls?
We often hear how important it is to set boundaries. We're told they’re a key to a peaceful life, and in many ways, they are. But not all boundaries are created equal. Some are like a beautiful garden fence: they protect your space, show where your property begins, and have a gate that you can open to welcome people in. Other boundaries are more like a high, unscalable wall: they shut people out completely, block the view, and leave you feeling isolated and alone. Pause here and take a bit of time to consider what boundaries you have and what kind of boundary they are…
"Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use them."
~ Anna Taylor ~
Let's start with the healthy boundary – think of it like a fence. A fence is clear and sturdy, but it’s not meant to keep everything and everyone out forever. Its main purpose is to define your space. It says, "This is mine—this is my time, my energy, my emotional well-being." A healthy fence is built with clear communication. It allows you to calmly say, "I can't talk about that right now," or "I'm not available after 5 PM." It lets people know where you stand without being aggressive or a source of conflict. These fences allow people to see in, and get a sense of what’s going on inside. Crucially, a healthy fence has a gate. This gate represents your ability to choose who you let in and when you choose to do so. You can open it for loved ones, new friends, or colleagues who respect your space. It shows that you are in control, and you are open to connection on your own terms.
Now, let's talk about the high, isolating wall. This kind of boundary is often built not out of confidence, but out of fear. A wall is a reaction to being hurt in the past. It’s built quickly and meant to keep everyone out to avoid any chance of pain. A wall is rigid and unyielding. It doesn't have a gate. It says, "No one is getting in, and I am not taking any chances." People with walls might cut off a friend for a small mistake, refuse to ask for or accept help, or avoid any kind of vulnerability, fearing that it will lead to pain. This approach might feel safe in the short term, but over time, it can lead to a profound sense of loneliness. While it protects you from the possibility of being hurt, it also cuts you off from the chance of being truly seen and loved.
The difference between a fence and a wall is simple: a healthy fence is a tool for connection, while a wall is a tool for isolation. The goal of a healthy boundary is not to push people away but to create a safe space for the right relationships to thrive. It’s about being able to choose who you trust and how you show up in the world. It’s a way of saying, “I respect myself, and I invite you to respect me too.” A fence is built with courage, while a wall is often built with fear.
So, take a moment to look at the boundaries you have in your life. Are they serving their purpose? Are they protecting you while still allowing for connection, or are they shutting people out and leaving you feeling alone? The good news is that if you've been building walls, you can always start opening gates. With time and practice, you can transform that rigid wall into a clear, flexible fence that allows you to live a life that is both safe and deeply connected.